“You have to give up the idea that people do things for you. They do things for themselves.” Dr. Hew Len, Zero Limits
We all make decisions for ourselves…because we get something from the result. Even decisions we make that seem to be for someone else are really for us. If I am mad at someone and decide to give them the ‘silent treatment’ it is because I want them to suffer…right? I do this because it gets me the satisfaction that they are suffering. They may not suffer at all…and really, I end up suffering, but I do it because I want to feel as though they are paying for whatever injustice I believe they have committed…it is about me. I do it because of what I want.
Let’s look at another example. I’m at work and feeling terrible. I have an awful caffeine headache because I am trying to wean myself from coffee. I am working on a project that is due by the end of the day and I have a lot of work yet to get done. I know that even having lunch is out of the question. A good friend stops by to see me to share the news that she has been accepted into graduate school…something that I know she has been working on for some time. She is so excited! All I can say is..”That’s great, but I really don’t have time for this right now.” I can see her deflated expression and she walks away feeling like she intruded into my day…as I continue to feverishly work on my project. I want to get done on time, I want to be appreciated by my boss, I want to get a raise. My reaction was because of me…because of where I was coming from and how I brought myself to the situation…it had nothing to do with her!
Every person you encounter brings whatever they are feeling and experiencing in their own life into that moment…it has NOTHING to do with you. You bring exactly the same thing into every moment…your thought and ideas, your fear and pain, your joy and your sorrow…and it has NOTHING to do with anybody else. We can make it about others…but the truth is that any decision or reaction we make is about us…and the decisions or reactions others make is about them.
If we live according to this truth we will experience a great freedom. We will take responsibility for our own choices, feelings and attitudes. We will no longer give our freedom away to others who have NOTHING to do with how we live our life.
People don’t do things because of me, they do them for their own reasons to satisfy their own desires and needs…and I do the same.
Be well.
Paula
2 Responses
Thanks, Paula, for this reminder today. This stands alongside “Quit Taking It Personally” for me from The Four Agreements.
It is such a challenge to stay in my own space, in my own life, take responsibility for myself and expect and allow others to do the same.
Thinking of you these days and wishing you well.
Beautiful, Paula. But then of course I would read something that makes me stop and pause. After a day of total frustration, wondering why people around me can’t get it together, I realize that they don’t really see things as not being together. That is my interpretation of the situation and it is my choice as to whether I get involved with the drama or not. Thanks for a timely reminder.